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My Mourning Rant


I keep remembering your last day, our last trip. You looked so happy and excited. Surprised when I put you in the car that you were actually going with us. Looking out the window, insisting on sitting on my lap instead of going to the other side to watch everything go by. And then looking forward to check where we are then going back to the window. You wanted to lie down, but also want to see outside so you just stand up, spraying your saliva everywhere as your breathing turn into pants. And we laugh at you, because you make evrything you do look so adorably cute.



We stop over for food, and as Beam goes down you scratch at the door wanting to go with her. We tell you to stay and we play instead. When food arrived I offered you a piece of bread, but you turn it down and I laughed because you never turn down bread! I offered you fries and you didn't want any of it either, so I saved you some in case you changed your mind once we reach the cemetery.

We got there and after you peed on the tires of all 3 cars, we headed to the grass and you laid down. You'd get up walk a little and then lie down, not wanting to go too far from us. The most obedient and behaved little baby, we didn't even have to hold your leash. The humans socialized  but also watched as you waddled through the grass. You were so cute that we didn't realize how much you were suffering. We thought the grass, fresh air and water would help cool you down. We were wrong. We finally had to leave because you didn't look too well anymore. We headed home, you were in so much pain. I can't get that out of my head. The way your eyes bulged as you gasped for air, moving you paws like you were swimming. I should've said something, should've told them to stop at whatever vet we see, but I didn't. I fooled myself into thinking that you were young and you can make it until we get home. I was struggling to keep you from biting your tongue that I was relieved when ou started to relax. And I thought 'there, see, you rode it out'. And then we reached home. As I moved you to get out of the car, your head went limp, and though you were breathing, there was no more reaction from you. We decided to rush you to your vet and I could feel your breathing getting weaker. If I wasn't holding you on my lap I would've thought you dead but for the faint breathing and occasional twitch. When we finally reached, they tried to lower down your temperature, saying you were in critical condition, you were too hot that even the temp reader couldn't read it anymore. I could tell, somehow, although the vet tried to resuscitate you, that we've lost you. The way you didn't respond or move at all. The way the vet hesitated with the treatment, all the while saying you were critical. Explaining how faint your heartbeat was. And then you left us while they were still trying to treat you. Papa calling out your name, the doctor doing CPR. Your body gave out. 

I have so many regrets that day. So many things I wish I could have done different. I never wished for rewind quite as hard as I did for you. I love you Choppy! You brightened up our every day and night. Always ready to play and always obedient. You were our most cheerful and most talented and my most cherished.  

Today I find it hard to go downstairs, to where you always are, because everywhere I look I expect you to be there. You were such a big part of my life that it's hard to move around without thinking of you. Today I shed tears while cooking tofu because you loved it so much. Today I shed tears while toasting bread, because you always magically turn up beside me begging for some when I open the bread container. Today I shed tears looking at the christmas tree because you were no longer under it, hiding. Today I shed tears when I looked around and realized I had noone to tease. Today I shed tears when I saw your chair and you weren't on it. Today I shed tears when I saw bola. I shed so many tears for you and I find it hard to breathe when I remember you. I prayed so hard on our way home yesterday for you to be okay, and maybe that was why you relaxed and fell into coma, because it was better that way than to keep breathing and suffer. 

Thank you Choppy for your unconditional love. I love you and will try to stop choking with tears when I'm reminded of you. In time I will learn to smile at all our happy memories. Now I know your ultimate revenge for making you cry when I'm bored, is making me cry too. I love you and I miss you.

Chopan "Choppy" D. Consumido
March 12,2010- Dec 01,2013

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